The Reasons I Won't Be Coming

The Reasons I Won't Be Coming
by Elliot Perlman

List Price: $14.00

Summary:
Nine melancholy stories about the boring lives of lovers, poets, lawyers, immigrants, students, and murderers.

Media Reviews:
Boston Globe: "[T]he simple truth is that even when it's wanting, Perlman's work surpasses that of many writers at their best."

New York Times: "Perlman's plots seem effortless, which makes his surprises all the more affecting."

Washington Post: "At their best, these stories are like walking down the hallway of an old hotel and eavesdropping on sad confessions."


My review:

I feel like I should be nice to this guy, a lawyer who wrote a book, he is what I aspire to be... But I am not going to be nice. This book sucked. The characters are miserable people who never manage to be interesting.

The ONLY thing I liked about this book was the title. I think it is funny. It is why I bought the book. I think I am going to write a book with the same title, except it will be one of those coupon books you would make in class for Mother's Day--they would say something like: "This coupon is good for one cleaning my room without throwing a fit." "This coupon is good for one day of not hitting my sister." Blah Blah Blah.

The coupon book is also a cheap and easy go to on Valentine's Day for the assholes who forgot about the holiday until they are on the commute home and manage to steal a red marker from a third grader...

But I digress...

This is for a coupon book when you need to explain to that very special someone "the reasons I won't be coming". We have all been there: one of you is really giving it (or you) the good old college try and you...just...can't...come. How do you tell that person that you are done, and convey the very right amount of appreciation and directness? That is where my coupon book comes in:

The reason I won't be coming #1: I feel fat. No, seriously, even my vagina feels fat, really fat. We both just need some space.

The reason I won't be coming #2: We have been going at this for half an hour and it is just not going to happen. You are doing everything right. You are wonderful. But I am just not going to come and would really like to see the new episode of Lost.

The reason I won't be coming #3: The kitchen is dirty. I know you don't get it. But the kitchen is directly connected to my G-spot. And I just can't come when the kitchen is dirty. Deal with it.



What do you think? Am I a marketing genius? Post your reasons for the couple book below: